Laughter the Best Medicine

GIRL:
I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.

PSYCHIATRIST:
Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL:
Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST:
You mean like this? The psychiatrist kissed the girl.

GIRL:
...... Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:
Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL:
But, he put his hand in my top.

PSYCHIATRIST:
You mean like this? The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top.

GIRL:
Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:
Well that's still no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL:
But, he took my clothes off.

PSYCHIATRIST:
You mean like this? The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes.

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:
Is that a good enough reason to call him a BASTARD ???

GIRL:
But, he had S** with me!

PSYCHIATRIST:
You mean like this?
The psychiatrist had S** with the girl.

GIRL:
Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST:
I’m still trying to figure out why you call him a BASTARD !!!!!

GIRL:
But, after he finished only he told me he has AIDS.

PSYCHIATRIST:
U Bit** !!!!! That BASTARD!!!!!

Nice one Kith.

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Thanks Kith

බුදුඅම්මෝ ඉන්ගිශ් !  

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, t first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.
Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

Source

Joe had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.”

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

The salesman said, “Let’s see, size 36.”

Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34.

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

කිත්සිරි ද සිල්වා wrote:Joe had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.”

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

The salesman said, “Let’s see, size 36.”

Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34.

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Nice story kith. Thanks

දැන් හැම විබාගයකදීම, මතක නැහැ කියලා ලියනලද පිළිතුරු, හරි පිළිතුරු ලෙස බාර ගැනීම විබාග දෙපර්තමේන්තුව අද සිට තීරණය කර ඇති බව සතුටෙන් දන්වා සිටිමු.

කවුදෝ දොරට ගසන ශබ්දයක් ඇසී වහාම විදුලි පහන දල්වා බිමට පැන එහි වූ සරම ඇහිද ගෙන ඇගට දා ගත් මම..
"කවුද..?" කියා ඇසීය.
"මං සෑර්.."
"මං කියන්නේ කවුද..! හමුදාවෙන්ද? පොලිසියෙන්ද..? පාතාලෙන්ද..? ඉන්කම් ටැක්ස් එකෙන්ද..? නැත්නම් සුදු වෑන් වලින්ද..?"
"ඒ එකකින්වත් නෙවෙයි සෑර්.. මං මේ පීටර්. වටලප්පන් නෝනාගේ පණිවිඩේකට."
"මේ රෑ දොළහට වටලප්පන් නෝනාට මොකෝ මං ඕනෑ වුනේ..? යකෙක්වත් ගැහුවද..?"
"නෑ සෑර්.. නෝනා කිව්වා විගහට මහත්තයාව අඩගහගෙන එන්න කියලා.."
"ඒ මොකටද..?"
"ඒ නෝනාගේ මහත්තයා දැන් මැරුණා.."
"අහ්.. හොද මහත්තයා! කොහෙද මැරුණේ..?"
"ගෙදර.. සෙනග පිරෙන්න ඉස්සර මහත්තයාව එක්ක එන්න කියලයි මාව එවුවේ.."
"ඉතින් මගෙන් ඇති වැඩේ.."
"ගියාම නෝනා කියයි.."
"අනුමානයක් නෑ. හොරට අන්තිම කැමති පත්‍රය ලියවාගෙන අත්සන ගහන්න වෙන්න පුළුවන්.. කාටත් හොරෙන්.." යැයි මටම කියාගත් මම එහි ගියෙමි. එය පයින් විනාඩි දහයක ගමනකි.
පීටර් සමග මා ගෙට ඇතුළු වූ විට ඈ මිය ගිය සැමියාගේ ඇද ළග තනියම සිටියාය. පීටර් කුස්සියට යැවූ ඈ මට ඒ අසලින්ම වාඩි වීමට ඉඩ සැලස්වූවාය. එවිටම අසල කාමරයක සිට ඇගේ ලොකු මහත් වූ දියණියද අප අසලට අවුත් වාඩි වූවාය.
"කරදර කරාට සමාවෙන්න.. මහත්තයාගේ පණ ගිය හැටියෙමයි මහත්තයාට පණිවිඩේ එවුවේ. අපිට පිහිට වෙන්න කවුරුවත් නෑ වෙන..!"
"මරණේ දැනුම දෙන්නද රෙජිස්ටාර්ට..?"
"නෑ.."
"මිනී සාප්පුවට.."
"නෑ.."
"මුදල් ප්‍රශ්නයක්..?"
"නෑ.."
"අන්තිම කැමති පත්තරේ..?"
"නෑ.."
"එහෙනම්..?"
"අපිට පත්තරේටයි රේඩියෝ එකටයි දාන්න මරණ දැන්වීමක් ලියාගන්න.."
"මේ රෑ..!! මෙච්චර හදිසියෙන්..? වෙන වැඩ ඔක්කොම තිබෙද්දී..?" මම පුදුම වී ඇසීමි..
"මේක පිට කවුරුවත් රැස් වෙන්න ඉස්සර හොරෙන් කෙරෙන්න ඕන දෙයක්. හොද සිහි බුද්ධියෙන්, හිතට දුක එන්න ඉස්සර, අඩන්න ඉස්සර!! " ඈ මගෙන් ඉල්ලා සිටියාය.
"ඉතින් මේක ගෙදර අයටම ලියන්න තිබුනනේ, අහවලාගේ අහවලා අහවල් දවසේ මළා කියලා.."
"ඇත්ත මහත්තයෝ..!! ඒ වුනාට නියම නම් ගම් ඒ විදියටම ලිව්වොත් අපේ තත්වෙට හරි නෑ.. ඒකයි මහත්තයා ගෙන්නා ගත්තේ. නම් ගම් අකුරු ලස්සනට ගලපලා ලියවා ගන්න..!" කියා ඈ පෑනක් හා කඩදාසියක් මට සපයා දුන්නාය.
"හරි.. කියන්න. මං ලියන්නම්.."
"දැන් මැරිච්ච මහත්තයාගේ නම උඩගෙදර ඩිංගා. ඒ දවස් වල කරත්තේ දැක්කුවේ. කසිප්පු බිස්නස් ඒකෙන හම්බකරාට පස්සේ තමා පොහොසත් වුනේ..! ඉතින් නම ටිකක් වෙනස් කරලා..."
"හරි.. මං දාන්නම් ඩිංගිරි බණ්ඩා, උඩගෙදර කියලා..! සත් ගුණවත්, සමාජ සේවක වූ ප්‍රසිද්ධ ප්‍රවාහන නියෝජිත.. සහ මොනවද., කසිප්පු නේද නිෂ්පාදනය කරේ..?"
"ඔව්.."
"ඒක බෙහෙතක්නේ? මං ලියන්නම් වෛද්‍යයාචාර්ය කියලා.."
"එතකොට මං ඇසිලියා.."
"උපන් ගම..?"
"මඩගාලේ රේල් ගේට්ටුව ළග.."
"මං ලියන්නම් වාසල මුදලිගේ ඇසිලින් මඩපාත මහත්මියගේ ආදරණීය ස්වාමි පුරුෂයා වූද.."
"මහත්තයෝ.. මේ මගේ තුන් වෙනි මිනිහා.."
"ඒක ලියන්න ඕනේ නෑ.. ළමයි..?"
"ඕක තමා මහත්තයෝ හැබෑ ප්‍රශ්නේ.. ළමයි එකොළහක් ඉන්නවා. හැබැයි මේ මිනිහාගේ කියලා කියන්න බෑ ඔක්කොම.. ඔය බාල එවුන් ටික ගැන මේ මිනිහා හැමදාම රණ්ඩු කළා.."
"කාගේ වුනත් කමක් නෑ.. මෙයාගේ ළමයි කියලා දාමු.. මැරිච්ච මිනිහා මගේ නෙමෙයි කියලා කෑගහයි කියලයෑ.."
"හොදයි මහත්තයෝ.. ලොකුම පුතා ජෙමා.. දැන් හිරේ පස අවුරුද්දකට.."
"මං ලියන්නම් ජයම්පත්- බන්ධනාගාර දෙපාර්තමේන්තුව.."
"දෙවැනි එකී මාළු ලෑල්ලක් දාගෙන ඉන්නවා මෝදර වැල්ලේ.. නම යසෝ.."
"යස්මින් - ධීවර දෙපාර්තමේන්තුව.. ඔව්, ඊළගට..?"
"තුන්වැනි එකා ඇන්ඩා.. ඌ ගැට කපනවා.."
"ඇන්දෘ - දේශීය ආදායම් දෙපාර්තමේන්තුව.."
"හතරවැනියා උස්වැටකෙයියාව වැල්ලේ.. ඔය පෙම් ජෝඩු බය කරලා චේන්, ඔරලෝසු , සල්ලි ගන්නවා. උගේ නම විලි.."
"විල්සන් - යු.කේ.."
"පස්වැනි එකී නන්නත්තාරේ යනවා.. එපා කිව්වට අහන්නෙම නෑ..! නම සොපි.."
"සොෆායා - සංචාරක මණ්ඩලය.. ඔව්. ඊළග.."
"හයවැනි එකී සල්ලි පොලියට දෙනවා. නම් ජොසි.."
"ජොසෆින් - උකස්‌ හා ආයෝජන බැංකුව.. ඊළග.."
"හත්වැනි එකා ඩගියා.. ඌ කොළ තුනේ සූදුව තමා උගේ වැඩේ.."
"ඩග්ලස් - ජාතික ලොතරැයි මණ්ඩලය.."
"අටවැනි එකා කුඩු විකුනනවා.. උගේ නම ජුවා.."
"ජයවන්ත - රාජ්‍ය ඖෂධ සංස්ථාව.."
"නවවැනියා සයිමා .. ඌ නිධන් හාරනවා.."
"සයිමන් - පුරාවිද්‍යා දෙපාර්තමේන්තුව.."
"දහවැනි එකී ගෙදර.. මේ ඉන්නේ.. නම මැගී.."
"මාග්‍රට් - ගෘහකර්මාන්ත දෙපාර්තමේන්තුව.."
"එකලොස් වැනි එකා පිනා.. හොර සම්මාදමේ යනවා.."
"පුණ්‍යවන්ත - මුදල් අමාත්‍යාංශය.."
"ඔය තියෙන්නේ මරණ දැන්වීම නියමෙට ලියලා.." ඈ මරණය අමතක කර සතුටින් සතුටට පත්වූවාය.
"දැන් මහත්තයෝ ඔය විදියට ලියලා පත්තරේටයි, රේඩියෝ එකටයි යවන්න.. දැන් වැඩේ හරි.. බය නැතුව අඩන්න පුළුවන්.." යැයි මට පැවසු ඈ මොහොතකින් ..
"අනේ මගේ රත්තරන් නැතෝ..! අනේ මාරයා මාවත් අරන් පලෝ..!"
කියමින් ඇය මහා හඩ දී හඩන්නට පටන් ගත් කල අසල්වැසියෝ කඩාගෙන, බිදගෙන මරණ ගෙදරට රැස් වන්නට වූහ. මම හීං සීරුවේ ආපසු ගෙදර ආවෙමි.."

චන්ද්‍ර අනගිරත්න
උපුටා ගැනීම එලකිරියෙනි..

Where are your Glasses ?
I love this one !!!!

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 72 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

Thanks Kith

Thanks Kith.

One interesting word in English. OXYMORON.

What is an oxymoron?

An Oxymoron is defined as a phrase in which two words of opposite meanings are brought together.

Here are some funny oxymorons :

1) Clearly Misunderstood
2) Exact Estimate
3) Small Crowd
4) Act Naturally
5) Found Missing
6) Fully Empty
7) Pretty Ugly
Seriously Funny
9) Only Choice
10) Original Copies
11) Open Secret
12) Tragic Comedy
13) Foolish Wisdom
14) Liquid Gas
Mother of all Oxymorons is-
15) "Happily Married.

Good one.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
~By Lee Majors
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
~By Al Gore
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~By Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them.
~By Mike Tyson
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
~By George Clooney
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~By Bill Clinton
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays."
~By George W. Bush
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
~By Rudy Giuliani
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
~By Michael Jordan
"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
~By Donald Trump
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
~By Shaquille O’Neal
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
~By Kobe Bryant
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
~By David Hasselhoff
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
~By Alec Baldwin
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
~By Barack Obama
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
~By Tommy Lee
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
~By Brad Pitt
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~ By Jimmy Kimmel
“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
~By David Letterman
“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes SuffeRing!
~By Jay Leno
"The reason why wives live longer is because they don't have a Wife"
~By Brandon Breezy

Words of wisdom. Thanks.

One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog.
Suddenly a Pakistani man runs out from the bushes in front of him and shot the poor dog three times.
The dog died.
The billionaire screamed at the killer; "why did you do that ?"
The killer answered, "your wife gave me £ 50000 and said, "Go kill that son of a bitch".
The billionaire hugged the killer & with tears in his eyes said......
"I am forever grateful to your English teacher!!"

Good one.

Getting a bit worried about uncle Kith, the wife jokes are on a upward trend. Where will this end.

26 වෙනිදා ග්‍රහ මාරුවෙන් පස්සේ වත් හරියාවිද?

?Instant noodles and instant cricket. Ha ha!!

Kithsiri, I really do hope your wife's name is not Margret.

You are almost correct !

Backstage wrote:Kithsiri, I really do hope your wife's name is not Margret.